Understanding and Confronting Psychological Abuse: Why Perpetrators Can't See It as Abuse

Psychological abuse is a challenging phenomenon that often goes unaddressed, as its perpetrators may be blind to the severity of their actions. This article delves into the underlying reasons for why individuals who psychologically abuse others sometimes fail to recognize their own actions as abusive or controlling.

Why Perpetrators Engage in Psychological Abuse

Those who psychologically abuse others are often deeply rooted in negative emotions such as envy, jealousy, and hatred. These feelings make them more susceptible to projecting their emotions outward, leading them to direct their negativity towards the victim. The victim is often a figure of envy due to having qualities or achievements that the abuser lacks. The duality of the situation—a person both envying and hating someone simultaneously—can create a complex psychological dynamic.

For instance, one individual in a story was hated and stalked for their ancestry. This situation, however, is multifaceted and can include factors such as intelligence, kindness, and a different origin culture. The abuser's view of the individual as a rival or a symbol of their own unfulfilled potential makes this dynamic even more toxic.

Environmental Factors and Normalization of Abuse

Psychological abuse can often be perpetuated when individuals grow up in an environment where abusive behavior is the norm. Many abusers have experienced psychological abuse themselves, making it difficult for them to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships. They may fail to see that their actions are harmful because such behavior is all they know as normal.

Even when victims try to clarify these behaviors as abusive, perpetrators may engage in gaslighting tactics. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which individuals make victims question their own sanity by denying reality and creating confusion. This results in the victim doubting their own perceptions and memory, thereby escaping accountability for the abuser's actions.

The Role of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory plays a significant role in explaining why psychological abuse is sometimes normalized and overlooked. In a healthy relationship, individuals can experience both attachment and authenticity. Attachment is a deep emotional bond, while authenticity involves being true to oneself. In abusive relationships, these two elements are mutually exclusive. One must give way to the other, and in abusive situations, authenticity to oneself is often the first to suffer.

Psychologist Gabor Mate emphasizes that attachment is a well-known and established human need. However, authenticity to oneself is often not as strongly recognized as necessary. In normal, healthy relationships, both attachment and authenticity can coexist. But in abusive situations, one must be sacrificed to maintain the other. This often results in the victim losing touch with their true self, and the perpetrator continuing their abusive behavior undetected.

Conclusion

Psychological abuse is a complex and often unrecognized form of abuse that can have severe consequences for both the victim and the perpetrator. Understanding why some individuals fail to see their actions as abusive is crucial for breaking the cycle of abuse. By identifying environmental factors and the importance of recognition, victims and those around them can better navigate and address these harmful dynamics.

References:

Mate, G. (2012). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Hannay House. Gelles, R. J. (2002). Understanding the Violence of Relationships: The Costs and Consequences of Emotional and Psychological Abuse. Journal of Women, Politics Policy, 23(3), 25-42.