The Intricate Interplay of Love, Trauma and Psychological Reality

Introduction

The idea that love for one's parents can coexist with experiencing abuse is a complex and often perplexing phenomenon. This article delves into the psychological and emotional underpinnings that might explain why individuals continue to love their abusive parents even after such traumatic experiences. Through the exploration of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the concept of an inner child, and practical strategies for healing, we aim to illuminate the reasons behind this complex dynamic.

Survival Propelled by Inner Child and Ancient Primal Needs

Your adult self is not the solitary decision-maker within your being or psyche. Other parts of your inner self include repressed aspects of your psyche and the primitive survival part of your brain. These younger or more primal versions of your self might remain fearful of losing these former caregivers from your life, despite being emotionally abused.

Infants will cling to any figure that offers comfort and care, as they need help to meet their survival needs. They are designed to form attachments with figures who are not necessarily perfect or ideal. Even if their preferred caregiver is unavailable, infants will bond with any caregiver because they require a survival helper.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

The Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs provides a framework to understand the layers of human needs. This hierarchy orders our needs from the most fundamental to the highest.

Deficiency Needs: Physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem Growth Needs: Cognitive, aesthetic, self-actualization, transcendence

The needs are listed in order of importance from basic to higher levels:

physiological needs safety needs belongingness and love needs self-actualization needs transcendence needs

Living in a modern world where survival is less dire, unmet childhood needs can still cause emotional distress and feelings of unfulfillment. The importance of safe, caring, and loving parents is now widely recognized for their offspring's future well-being.

Unmet Childhood Needs and Adult Emotional States

Children are born with unlimited potential to optimize every outcome in their lives. Unfortunately, parents might not be capable of meeting all their needs. An infant's relationship with caregivers can be adversely affected by various factors, such as neglect, abuse, or environmental stress. Even when basic needs are met inconsistently or with abuse, unmet needs from childhood remain part of the subconscious.

As an adult, you might consciously want no part in your parents' lives, but your inner child continues to yearn for their unmet needs to be met. Your survival brain signals the importance of maintaining relationships, even if they are toxic. To move towards breaking free from this cycle, therapy, self-love, and inner-child work are essential steps.

Healing the Inner Child

Therapy with a skilled and sensitive therapist can uncover subconscious needs and patterns of thinking that hold you back. Self-love and inner-child work can heal the wounds and fully meet their needs. Stream of consciousness writing from the perspective of your inner child can help uncover these needs and resentments.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

To become your own kindest and most nurturing best friend, learn to silence or drown out your inner critic with inner love. Become your own champion and hero in your life. Meet your own higher needs by systematically working through the hierarchy of needs, even if it means focusing on small creative acts.

Strategic Withdrawal for Healing

When dealing with abusive individuals, the diplomatic withdrawal and silent bid for freedom may be the most effective strategy. Recognize that you are an adult and no longer need your parents. You get to decide how your parents will be involved in your life, and you can create distance from them without a dramatic declaration or confrontation. You can continue to love them from afar if you wish or choose to keep the good parts of your relationship without revealing the reasons.

Understanding and addressing the complex interplay between love, trauma, and psychological reality can help you navigate life's challenges with greater emotional maturity and resilience. Embrace the path towards healing and self-discovery.