The Impact of Becoming Secular on Orthodox Jewish Clans and Connections

In the world of Orthodox Judaism, the shift from a deeply observant lifestyle to a secular one can have profound and often painful consequences for both individuals and their families and friends. This article explores the experiences and challenges faced by those who choose to transition and those who are left behind.

The Journey of a Life-Long Change in Faith and Beliefs

I was born into a very observant Orthodox Jewish family, but in adulthood, I embraced a new identity that marked a significant shift from my roots. After several years, I became a Messianic Jew, a move that was met with anger by my family. Shortly thereafter, I joined the Latin Rite Roman Catholic Church and eventually became a nun. My journey involved not only a change in faith but also a deep emotional and psychological impact on my relationships with family and friends.

Family Reactions and Changes in Communication

The transition to becoming a Messianic Jew was an incredibly difficult one for my family. When I was baptized, I kept it a secret from my only living close relatives: my mother and younger brother. Their silence and subsequent disengagement from me were stark and painful. My brother would occasionally exchange emails with me, but more often, he would hang up the phone without speaking. My mother, who had started asking questions during our calls, fell back into a state of silence or even weeping when I called, which was a heart-wrenching experience. Our last conversation, shortly before her death, marked a tragic conclusion with her harsh words.

Troubled Relationships and Trapped Beliefs

The situation is even more complex for a friend of mine who is a married Chassid. He has secretly converted to a different religion but fears coming out to his wife and children, as he does not want to destroy his life. This individual, who has converted to Universal Sufism, feels like a perpetual liar and is stuck in a compromising situation. He expresses his despair, wishing to share the true worship of God with his children but knowing that it would tear his family apart.

Respect and Silence from Parents

When it comes to my relationships with my parents, I manage to navigate the complex dynamics with respect and understanding. While my father is amused and bemused by such conversations, he is deeply hurt by my choice. He recognizes that he cannot address the situation directly, but he feels a great sense of responsibility and guilt. I assure my father that the decision to change faith was inevitable and not a choice made lightly. It is a personal truth that I cannot renounce for the sake of his disappointment or acceptance.

Maintaining Relationships with Close Friends

For my close friends—Shirley, Layla, Clara, and Nadia—navigating the religious gap is more complex. They have children, which adds another layer of difficulty. We have developed a system where I act respectfully around their families and avoid discussing my personal life. Despite the tension, these relationships remain close. I attended Shirley's wedding, and I am Layla's godmother to her youngest child. Clara is my oldest friend, while Nadia is associated with Chabad and is more open to discussions about various faiths. We have crafted a delicate balance that allows us to maintain our friendships without delving into personal beliefs.

Conclusion: Navigating Religious and Emotional Waters

The transition from an observant Orthodox Jewish lifestyle to a secular one can have significant impacts on personal and familial connections. It requires a deep understanding of personal values, a balance of respect for differences, and the ability to maintain loving and supportive relationships. For those who transition, staying true to yourself while respecting the feelings of those around you can be a delicate and challenging process. It often involves finding a way to coexist in a world where beliefs diverge.