Supporting a Man with a Wounded Inner Child: A Comprehensive Guide

It often comes as a surprise to many when a young adult in his mid-twenties experiences the need to support someone who can feel like a child at heart. Now, you are 24, and you aspire to help a man whose inner child is in pain.

Understanding the Complexities

When a man reaches 21, he is expected to assume responsibilities far beyond his years. The stark realization that a 18-year-old can die in the midst of a war underscores the fragility of life and the profound impact of unresolved trauma.

Consider the following questions:

Do you love this man? Does he treat you well? Can he be kind and loving during challenging times? Is he your life partner? Most importantly, do you wish to support his journey towards healing?

It is important to understand that you cannot heal him; this is an unfortunate, hard, and unpleasant truth. Your role is to encourage him to seek professional therapy. If he is not willing or unprepared to confront his trauma, no amount of support on your part will bring about change.

If he is open to the process, you can support him as a cheerleader, not as a therapist. Look for resources that can help you navigate this journey, such as the works of Alice Miller. Her provocative writings, including “Thou Shalt Not Be Aware,” can provide valuable insights into understanding and addressing childhood trauma and abuse.

Listening and Understanding

When ready, ask him what he needs and desires from you. Can you support his needs without compromising your own? Are his needs and wants within your capacity to meet, or are they draining to you?

It is also essential for you to consider your own needs and wants. No one can sustain a relationship by themselves. If you become overly drained, you won’t be able to function effectively. Remember, you cannot support two people with a single heart.

Seeking Professional Support

Encourage him to seek a therapist, recognizing that individuals with damaged childhoods may be manipulative, both consciously and unconsciously. This is often a defense mechanism. If no one has listened to him before, how else can his needs be met?

Connecting with Male Role Models

Another critical step is to connect him with another man in his life. This could be a father, brother, cousin, friend, teacher, professor, pastor, or any significant male figure. God designed men to be able to bear the brokenness of a woman, but He did not design women to bear the brokenness of a man.

For males, healing can only come from another male— one or more— not female support alone. While some women may strive to provide such support, their efforts will only be partially effective due to the inherent complexity of male-to-male emotional bonds.

Best of luck in your journey to help him rebuild and find peace within himself.