Reflections on Non-Existence: A Personal Journey Through Life and Loss

"What if I was never born?" This well-known Jewish joke resonates deeply with many individuals who, like the man in the joke, contemplate the impact of their absence on the world. In personal reflections, such questions often lead to profound realizations about life, loss, and the potential consequences of one's existence.

The Absence of a Certain Presence

Imagining a world without my presence, one might consider the various impacts this non-existence would have had. For instance, my mother, who initially had three boys, might have expressed longing for a daughter. She surprised me with the admission that she missed having a woman in the family to talk with. Through visits and phone calls, we maintained a strong connection, which emphasized the importance of familial bonds.

The Ripple Effect of Non-Existence

Had I never been born, the man I married might not have met someone else or stayed a bachelor all his life. Our daughter, who has a positive outlook on life, would not exist. It’s hard to imagine her longing to never have been born. A significant aspect of my absence would be the countless children who wouldn’t have experienced my loving touch or unique interaction as a volunteer caregiver and tutor in orphanages, hospitals, preschools, and elementary schools.

Life after Non-Existence

I can only dream of receiving such a divine blessing, but for many, the absence of a loved one would be a curse. If others retained knowledge of my existence, they might miss me dearly. However, if they didn’t, the absence might feel trivial. Most people in my life would probably benefit from my vanishing from existence. I haven’t been a positive role model or financial contributor. I haven’t even made my family's lives easier.

Tragic Beginnings and Eternal Despair

My father's sexual abuse at a young age left me with a life filled with mental illness and despair. I struggled to understand what I lost and the reality I inherited, only realizing it when immersed in life’s hardships. My father’s vile ambitions, coupled with a seemingly indifferent Heavenly Father, resulted in my deep resentment. Now, I see both my earthly and Heavenly Fathers as equally guilty and abominable, dead to me.

I reflect on the day I died and the ongoing struggle to find meaning in a world of death and decay. I long to return to the void and hope to die again for good. If I were never born, I would never have endured the suffering but also never have experienced anything other than the 'sweet all-encompassing nothingness.' The potential for significant good in a world without me is considerable, and I see this as a moral imperative to seek non-existence.

Some might call it self-hatred, but without a doubt, I know I should not have ever been born.

Conclusion

These reflections on non-existence urge us to consider the profound impact of our existence, not just on others but also on ourselves. It prompts us to seek a better future and find meaning in our lives, even in the face of adversity.