Confronting Parental Pasts: Healing Through Dialogue

Grappling with the aftermath of past traumas can often lead to difficult and emotionally charged conversations, especially with one's parents. This week, I found myself in just such a situation when my mother, who is a 'mama bear' concerned about family harmony, initiated a conversation filled with painful memories from my childhood. Here is my journey of healing through dialogue and forgiveness.

A Thanksgiving Decision

Traveling home for Thanksgiving can be exhausting, especially when it means a 90-mile trip, with an uncertain pick-up date. When my mother called me on Monday, I had to decide whether to come or stay home. However, conversation quickly turned to discussions of my past, leading to my sudden change of heart regarding the visit. My childhood was marked by chaos and distress, much of which stemmed from her actions.

"When Mom brought up some particularly painful things I began to cry. I devolved into that proverbial ugly cry—a torrent of unrelenting sobs that left me unable to breathe or think clearly."

Realizing that sitting at my mother's table for Thanksgiving would only reopen old wounds, I decided to forgo the visit. Mom apologized and accepted my decision, but the situation took an unexpected turn when she called me back, highlighting her own struggles during my step-dad's volatile relationship with her. This made me see her perspective and the impact of her actions on my brother and me.

An Emotional Dialogue

"At that point, she became defensive and wouldn't stop talking about why she did what she did and how terrible the marriage was. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and I was beginning to cry again."

The conversation was filled with her defensiveness and excuses, making it impossible for me to share my feelings. Eventually, I screamed into the phone, "You're not listening to me! I'm going to hang up now. Goodbye!" before ending the call. Although I regretted my behavior, I felt emotionally drained and needed to protect myself from further pain.

Ribling's Concerns

The next day, when my mother called to check on me, she appeared genuinely concerned about a rift in our relationship. As a parent of a certain age, she wants to avoid conflict and ensure peace within her small family. I explained to her that her words upset me because she was not listening to my perspective and had not tried to understand my feelings. I emphasized that my relationship with her had improved after I learned to see things from her point of view, and now she needed to apply the same courtesy.

"For three days, we went 'round and 'round and back again. For all her anger and instability at the time, she proved time and time again that she'd go to the mat for us."

While my mother's actions had been hurtful, I forgave her a long time ago and understand that she did the best she could. Her efforts to connect with us and express her tender emotions have helped improve our relationship greatly.

Growing Through Trauma

"The trauma remains painful. We can only overcome and survive, but I don't know if those wounds ever heal. The scars remain."

Every painful memory surfaces, causing me to relive the pain and trauma. However, I have come to accept that while we can overcome and survive, the emotional scars may never fully heal. This understanding helps me approach these conversations with a mix of sensitivity and acceptance.

Learning Through Experience

On the other hand, my father, despite his irresponsible and selfish behavior, was someone I had to let go of. His early death meant I could never resolve any grievances with him face-to-face, leaving me to process his impact through remembrance.

"Mostly I've just had to let it go. I suppose the bright side is I'll never be in a similar painful conversation with him again, talking at me, talking over me, telling me to stop being a crybaby and to 'walk it off.'"

While I hold him more accountable for our family's troubles, I have grown to admire my mother's efforts to connect and improve our relationship, even at her advanced age.

Ultimately, the journey of healing through dialogue is a continuous process, and while we may not recover completely, we can learn to live with our pasts and move forward with greater understanding and compassion.